Help! My Partner Won’t Come to Couples Therapy. A Gottman Method, Individual-Based Couples Therapy approach.

Gottman Method Couples Therapy, developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, is one of the leading, evidence-based, approaches to help couples build stronger, more fulfilling relationships. Throughout the process, sessions concentrate on three key areas: friendship and intimacy, conflict management, and creating shared meaning. Its implementation has rescued thousands of couples from the brink of rupture, transformed the couples therapy landscape, and in my humble opinion should be taught as mandatory curriculum in early high school, or at bare minimum should be provided/encouraged when registering a legal relationship. Yes, it is that impressive!

One significant hurdle with engaging in Couples Therapy is, well, getting there. In fact when John Gottman first started analysing couple dynamics he reported that couples would on average wait 6 years before attending therapy, after feeling that it was needed. Although that number is much lower now at 2.5-2.7years, that is still an exceptionally long time to procrastinate healing. It seems that airing one’s dirty laundry with some unknown, personally un-vetted stranger, is challenging.

Another common issue is when only one side of the partnership is motivated to attend. Which, I suppose makes sense. If couples could agree on such a vulnerable, confronting, challenging, and all-in-all gross, icky, “feelings stuff” challenge then they probably wouldn’t be candidates for couples therapy in the first place. Couples differ on their takeaway preferences, it makes sense that they would also disagree on if there is a problem, if that problem warrants attention, the nature of the problem, the solution to the problem, or if that problem needs to be addressed right now.

So often, one of the pair will go to therapy alone. Counterintuitively, this starts a chain reaction, that can be dreadful for the relationship.

The problem with trying to fix your relationship in 1:1 therapy

Approximately 80% of clients in therapy report relationship difficulties as one of their top 3 challenges. However, addressing a couple’s dynamics through only one of the partners perspectives is akin to solving an equation with half the equation missing. It’s like those funny video’s you see where people are trying to high-five someone but no one is available (click here if you don’t know what I’m talking about: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTidoU5tO8U&ab_channel=JonHarvey). While individual therapy can promote personal growth and self-awareness, it is not, and cannot be, couples therapy. This is simply because the ‘client’ is not in the room, just one of its participants.

By case and point, in Couples Therapy, a skilled clinician has the privilege of never needing to take sides, because no individual participant is really considered the client. By necessity, the relationship itself, is considered ‘the client’. So, a clinician does not need to agree with Mr or Mrs Smith, they simply refer to the relationships health.

When clinicians are presented with one participant of a relationship in 1:1 therapy who want to heal said relationship, even when they are well meaning and motivated, a gigantic pitfall emerges. The significant risk of inadvertently sabotaging and worsening that relationship.

Unfortunately, by validating one individuals’ subjective perspective, the therapist unintentionally and automatically, invalidates the partner’s, often radically different, subjective perspective; creating a fracture in the relationship and further divide. Zero empathy for the now dismissed and devalued perspective, zero understanding, zero insight into what the other partner may feel or what the participant contributes to the fracture/dynamic. Outside of abusive interactions, it really does take two to tango and none of us are so perfect that we contribute nothing to an argument. Despite the ruminative reassurances of our obviously superior position. Such processes lead to contempt and contempt is the scientifically proven mould that will erode and destroy your relationship.

Great, so now what!

Alas, let me introduce you to Individual-Focused Couples Therapy, one of the few therapy models that accounts for these concepts in its approach. Being complete under-achievers, of course, it comes out of the Gottman Institute; casually utilising its culture of contemporary excellence, 50 odd year history of data collection and brilliance. Its approach is underscored by a core principle of the Gottman methodology: healthy relationships are built by self-aware, responsible individuals. Now, if you read that sentence and immediately thought to yourself “my partner really needs to read this”, then I’m sorry to say but this blog is 100% directed at you! (*cue awkward silence).

In this approach, individuals are invited to build awareness to what they bring to the dynamic, learn to replace destructive conflict patterns with positive interactions, repair past hurts, and deepen their emotional connection. The therapist provides practical tools for effective communication, emotional regulation, and handling both solvable and perpetual conflicts.

Ultimately, when there is a fracture in a relationship, genuine validation and empathy is needed from and towards the partner, not the therapist. Ideally, the therapist leaves as small a footprint as possible. I mean, who would you rather be your hero in the story of your love, your partner whom you have built a life with, or this strange person on the other side of the therapy room you have spent a total of 10hours with in your life?

Individual couples therapy yields amazing results in helping individuals in all the aforementioned areas and when there are no other options, this is a brilliant one.Here is the catch, nothing will ever be an adequate substitute for the real thing (couples therapy) as the dynamic can be activated, explored, and healed in real time, with the guiding hands of a skilled clinician; rather than in retrospect as with Individual Based Couples Therapy. However, any helpful solution will always be more helpful than no solution at all; even if it’s not the best solution.

If you are interested in seeking out Individual Focused Couples Therapy contact Compass Therapy today to book your first appointment.

About the author: Michael is a Clinical Psychologist and the Director of Compass Australia which offers 1:1 therapy for mental health difficulties, international mental wellness retreats, and indigenous artwork. His past research experience had focused on Mental Health in the Mining Industry, enhancing fluid intelligence and rough and tumble play with infants and children. He is level 3 Gottman Method Couples Therapy trained and regularly incorporates Individual Focused Couples Therapy principles into his therapy plans.